THOMAS J. MISURACA

Christmas Morning

CAST OF CHARACTERS

LENNY : A man in his early 30s. New father, excitedly
nervous.

BILL: His husband. Mid-30s. Slightly more rational.

SETTING
Lenny and Bill's bedroom.

TIME
5am Christmas morning.


LIGHTS UP ON:

(A bedroom. 5am. BILL is still trying to sleep while LENNY stands across the room and peeks out the door.)

LENNY: I can’t believe they're not awake yet.

BILL (looking at clock, barely awake): It's barely 5am. They should be sleeping. You should be sleeping. Why am I not sleeping?

(LENNY moves into the room to talk to BILL.)

LENNY: It's Christmas morning.

BILL: So? Even Scrooge slept in this day.

LENNY: The kids should be excited, wanting to see what Santa brought them.

BILL: They will be. When they wake up. At a more Godly hour.

LENNY: How could they even fall asleep?

BILL: If you stop talking, I'll show you.

LENNY: I was never able to sleep on Christmas Eve.

BILL: Were clubs open that late on a holiday?

LENNY: That's not funny.

BILL: My sense of humor hasn’t woken up yet.

(LENNY peaks out of the room again.)

LENNY: I don’t believe this.

(LENNY begins to pace the bedroom.)

BILL: They're not going to sleep all day. They'll be up by 7.

LENNY: Half the day will be over by then.

BILL: This from a man who never rises before 8.

LENNY: We're not talking about me.

BILL: I'm not so sure about that...

LENNY: We're talking about our children's first Christmas.

BILL: This isn't their first Christmas.

LENNY: It is with us. And I'm going to make sure it's the best Christmas they've ever had.

BILL: Neither of us are high on meth, so it already is.

LENNY: I should go wake them.

BILL: Don't you dare!

LENNY: You're right. They're supposed to sneak out of bed on Christmas morning and wake us up. (beat) I'll slam the door. Give them a little nudge.

BILL: You'll give them a little heart attack. When they heard doors slamming in the past, that meant bad things were coming. Remember, Lenny, these kids have been through hell.

LENNY: And today will be heavenly.

BILL: For them? Or you?

LENNY: Why not for all of us?

(BILL feels a little guilty.)

BILL: It'll be a wonderful day for our family. But if you wake up Michael too early, he'll be crabby all day. Bad enough I'm going to be crabby all day.

LENNY: Then you guys can sulk together while Emma and I play with her new doll house.

BILL: Come back to bed.

LENNY: But...

BILL: You’ll hear them scream when they see the way too many presents you bought for them.

(LENNY reluctantly returns to bed.)

LENNY: We bought for them.

BILL: We bought them plenty of presents. Then you bought them more.

LENNY: I wasn't sure what they'd liked. Do little girls still play with doll houses?

BILL: They do. As well as some middle-aged men I could mention.

LENNY: We should have gotten Michael more sport-oriented presents.

BILL: He's four! There's not much he can play at this point.

LENNY: People are going to think...because we're two guys...

BILL: That he should like twice as many sports?

LENNY: I should have bought him a toy gun.

BILL: No toy guns!

LENNY: He needs more masculine gifts.

BILL: All he needs is a loving home and a caring family.

LENNY: You don’t think I know that.

BILL: Just a gentle reminder. (beat) Michael's going to love the Batman, Spider-Man and Superman action figures we got him.

LENNY: What if Emma wanted superhero action figures? We shouldn't assume that because she’s a girl that she likes dolls.

BILL: Then she can play with Michael's. It would be a good lesson in sharing.

(Now pacing with a different, more frantic energy, LENNY is back out of bed.)

LENNY: What if Michael wants to play with Emma's dolls? People'll think we're a bad influence.

BILL: Will you stop caring what people think? If Michael wants to play with dolls, he can play with dolls. I'm not going to put such a stigma on things as our families did. Let our kids be themselves.

(LENNY calms down, leans on the bed.)

LENNY: You’re right. It’s just that...I don’t want anybody to find a reason to take those kids away from us.

BILL: They can't. They're legally ours.

LENNY: We both know decisions can be reversed.

BILL: You're worrying about nothing.

LENNY: That's my job. You're the one who thinks positive. I'm the realist. Remember last Christmas?

BILL: The Wham song?

LENNY: Our last Christmas. The one we thought we'd have kids to celebrate with.

BILL: That was never a sure thing.

LENNY: But you had us buy gifts, just in case we got those kids on the 24th.

BILL: We had to be a little optimistic.

LENNY: Only to have our dreams shattered before Christmas.

BILL: That was terrible, but --

LENNY: It was the worst Christmas ever.

BILL: That was one bad Christmas out of the many we've spent together.

LENNY: Alone.

BILL: With each other.

LENNY: We were traveling half the time.

BILL: The other half we spent at home. Remember those Christmas mornings we lit the fireplace and leisurely opened presents?

LENNY: Every moment of them.

BILL: Those were some of my favorite Christmases.

LENNY: They were nice.

BILL: And this year, we've taken the next step. We get to watch our children enjoy Christmas morning. It's going to be wonderful, and you know it.

LENNY: We need to savor every moment. It's going to go by so fast. Before we know it, they'll be heading off to college.

BILL: Let's not rush things. That's more than a decade from now.

LENNY: We'll be alone again.

BILL: Kids usually come home for Christmas.

LENNY: They may hate us by then.

BILL: I hated my parents, but I still went home for Christmas.

LENNY: I don't want our kids to hate us.

BILL: Part of letting them be themselves means there're some things we won't be able to control.

LENNY: I couldn't deal with that. Or if they decide they want to go back to their mother.

BILL: Or they could end up being kids who care about us until we're old and gray.

LENNY: You'll be completely bald by then.

BILL: You'll go gray in other places.

LENNY: Maybe I'm not cut out to be a parent.

BILL: What're you talking about? You're the best parent a kid could wish for. You're fun, but strict when you have to be.

LENNY: Maybe I'm too harsh on them?

BILL (sighs): I wish the kids would wake up. I'm not sure how long I can keep up this therapy session.

LENNY: What if we get divorced? The poor kids will be torn apart.

BILL: Did I miss something?

LENNY: I'll get them Christmas morning, you mark my word.

BILL: What is with all this paranoia? Just because you watched A Charlie Brown Christmas doesn't mean you have pantaphobia.

LENNY (a la Charlie Brown): What’s pantaphobia?

BILL (a la Lucy): The fear of everything!

LENNY: I looked that word up on the internet, and it actually means absolute fearlessness.

BILL: Why can't you look at porn like a normal person?

LENNY: Not with two kids in the house.

BILL: Then the word does fit you. Yes, your overactive imagination had you fearing the worst, but you fearlessly dove into the parenthood pool. Unlike real pools that take you an hour to get into.

LENNY: I have very sensitive...extremities.

BILL: Last night was a great example of what a wonderful parent you are. The way you helped the kids get ready for Santa's visit. You were enhancing their imagination.

LENNY: They were so excited. They put carrots on the lawn for the reindeer. (getting excited by an idea) We should leave reindeer droppings!

BILL: Let’s not and say you never even had that idea. (beat) But it's that wild imagination that's going to make this a great holiday for the kids.

LENNY: You’ve been surprisingly creative, too.

BILL: Surprisingly?

LENNY: Getting the kids to design their own Christmas cookies. And making special ones to leave for Santa.

BILL: Only because I wanted to eat them. I'm going back to the gym come the new year. Promise.

LENNY: Now who has the wild imagination?

BILL: We’ve already given those kids the best holiday they've ever had. Today's just icing on the cake.

LENNY: Which I'm sure you'd eat as well.

BILL: It's not too late to get coal in your stocking.

LENNY: Too bad it's not snowing.

BILL: It usually doesn't in Los Angeles.

LENNY: I could rent a snow machine...

BILL: And I could take away your credit card. I love those kids, but they won't need much to enjoy this day. Just making funny faces on their pancakes will have them laughing up a storm.

LENNY: It's going to be wonderful, isn't it?

BILL: Yes.

LENNY: If they ever wake up.

BILL: Would be nice to get one more hour of sleep.

LENNY: What if they wake up in half an hour?

BILL: Your radar ears will hear them. Now come back to bed. It's going to be a long day.

(Reluctantly, LENNY gets back into bed.)

LENNY: Maybe just a few minutes.

BILL: We can cuddle. That's one thing we don't get to do too much anymore.

LENNY: We did while watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. All of us.

BILL: Granted, it doesn't get any better than that. But I want to cuddle with just you. Enjoy the silence of the house before it gets crazy.

LENNY: I enjoy the mornings I stay in bed and listen to the kids play. They're already so imaginative.

BILL: They have a good role model. You -- (perks up suddenly). Their door just opened.

LENNY: How do you --

(BILL leaps out of bed. Scrambles around looking for something.)

BILL: Where's my camera?

LENNY: Camera?

BILL: I'm going to sneak to the top of the stairs and take pictures of them.

LENNY: You better make sure they don’t see you.

BILL: They won't.

(BILL finds his camera and runs out of the room. LENNY leaps out of bed and
starts after him.)

LENNY: Hey, wait for me!

(LENNY exits. SFX of presents opening and children laughing as the lights slowly fade.)

End of Play

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