JOEY NOVICK  

You Can't Teach a Fish to Whistle 
Actual Conversations with My Mother, Pearl

FROM THE MAHJONG TABLE AT HER CONDO...

FIRST CONVERSATION

PEARL: My son, Joey, is on the website.

ESTELLE: Pearl, you should be very proud. Not everyone is on the website. 

AUNT SHIFFIE: Is that safe? To be on the website?

MYRNA: My grandson, Nathan, is on the Facebook. He even had some of his photographs on the Facebook.

ESTELLE: Not everyone has their pictures on the Facebook. They go all over the world.

AUNT SHIFFIE: But, it is safe? Pearl, you need to tell Joey to buy a password to be safe on the website. Ida's Milton has a password for the computer. Buy a password first.

ESTELLE: Maybe Milton has an extra password he can let Joey borrow.

SHIRLEY: My son, Sheldon, wants me to be on Facebook, but I don't know. I'm on social security.

MYRNA: Can you be on the social media and the social security? Which one pays more?

PEARL: If my son, Joey, needs money to buy a password, I'll pay for it. I do not want him going on the website or the Facebook without buying a password. 

SECOND CONVERSATION

MYRNA: It was very cold this morning for the end of March.

GERTIE: As they say, "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamp."

PEARL: No, March goes out like a lamb, not a lamp. That makes no sense.

SHIRLEY: Who is "they" anyway? "They" seem to know everything.

GERTIE: It's lamp. A lamp goes out when the bulb burns out. A lamb doesn't go out. It's lamp.

MYRNA: Ida bought bulbs from Costco that are guaranteed not to go out.

GERIE: Ida Garfunkel or Catholic Ida?

MYRNA: Catholic Ida. Ida Garfunkle doesn't like Costco because they make you put your groceries in old food boxes.

THIRD CONVERSATION

GERTIE: I'm taking a class about rock and roll with Ida at the Broward County Community College.

PEARL: Ida Garfunkel or Catholic Ida?

GERTIE: Ida Garfunkle. Catholic Ida just falls asleep and snores.

AUNT SHIFFIE: Sammy and I took a class there about Lincoln. Did you know the man who shot him was an actor?

ESTELLE: Yes, John Wilkes Booth.

GERTIE: What kind of mother names their son Wilkes? And with three names?

AUNT SHIFFIE: The man who killed John F. Kennedy also had three names.

PEARL: Lee Harvey Oswald.

GERTIE: Why do people with three names always shoot the president?

ESTELLE: Shiffie, in your class, did they say why that is?

AUNT SHIFFIE: I don't know. Maybe we missed that day when we went on the Jungle Queen Cruise with Hadassah.

FOURTH CONVERSATION

PEARL: I hate The Beatles.

ME: Why is that?

PEARL: They're anti-Semitic.

ME: I never heard that.

PEARL: The Beatles are anit-Semitic. Paul, John, George--

ME: I know who they are. Why do you think they're anti-Semitic?

PEARL: --Ringo. You never let me finish. Why is anyone anti-Semitic?

ME: No, why do you think they're anti-Semitic? 

PEARL: They sing anti-Semtic songs and make fun of Jewish people.

ME: What song is that?

PEARL: "Hey, Jew." It's very anti-Semitic. And they all sing "na na na na" to make fun of the Jews.

ME: The song is "Hey, Jude."

PEARL: That's your opinion. Sylvia's son, Izzy, had a record shop in Flatbush Avenue, so she knows.

FIFTH COVERSATION

PEARL: Please pass the matzah.

GERTIE: Here. I got this new brand at Costco. It's made by an italian company.

PEARL: What? Which Italian company makes matzah?

GERTIE: They're called "Noino."  It's very good.

PEARL: It's not Noino. It's onion matzah. You're reading the box upside down.

GERTIE: Oh. Well. I like it anyway.

SIXTH CONVERSATION

GERTIE: Moe and I filed our taxes early this year.

PEARL: Bernie and I filed every year early since 1948. We have all of our tax records dating back from 1962.

ESTELLE: Sidney and I also keep all copies. We have all the records from 1959 through to today.

AUNT SHIFFIE: That's smart. You never know when the IRS will knock on your door.

GERTIE: The IRS wouldn't knock. They send a letter.

AUNT SHIFFIE: No, they called Irma last year. 

MYRNA: My grandson, Hunter, is an accountant. He says you only have to keep yout tax records for seven years.

AUNT SHIFFIE: But you never know which seven.

ESTELLE: Sidney bought us a portable shredder to shred the very old taxes.

PEARL: A portable shredder.

ESTELLE: Yes, you can carry it from room to room.

AUNT SHIFFIE: Isn't it easier to carry the taxes to the room with the shredder?

SEVENTH CONVERSATION
 
AUNT SHIFFIE: Your son Sheldon's divorce. Is it final?

GERTIE: Yes. It's final. He's trying to date now.

PEARL: He should go to the Temple Beth Emet Jewish Center. They have lots of singles events for kids.

GERTIE: Yes. He's going to lots of Jewish single events at temples.

AUNT SHIFFIE: Some of the women who go aren't Jewish. They should put a sign to let men know.

MYRNA: My mother used to say that if you're on a date at a restaurant, and your date is rude to the waiter, you should not date them.

PEARL: What if the waiter is rude to you? 

AUNT SHIFFIE: If a waiter is rude, you should just leave a lower tip.

GERTIE: Anyway, it's not going well. With his job as an accountant, he's not getting any dates.

MYRNA: Either way, he should not be rude to waiters.

EIGHTH CONVERSATION

MYRNA: My grandson, Nathan, thinks he knows everything. 

AUNT SHIFFIE: As the Yiddish saying goes, "Ir kenen nisht lernen a fish tsu fayfn."

GERTIE: What does that even mean?

PEARL: You can't teach a fish to whistle.

MYRNA: Who wants to teach a fish to whistle?

GERTIE: Is Myrna the fish, or is Nathan the fish?

AUNT SHIFFIE: Nathan is the fish. Myrna can't teach him to whistle.

GERTIE: That makes no sense.

PEARL: It's Yiddish. It's not supposed to make sense. 

CREATIVE NONFICTION DISCLAIMER: Names have been changed. Some characters are amalgamations of several people. Conversations were edited for consision and dramatic effect.

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